Selfless
by Ms. Mumpsimus
Summary: Why the hell can't you understand that there's someone too who would cry if you freaking die? Why must you offered yourself to danger every single time, ignoring the fact that I despise it? You're too selfless for your own good, Doumeki…
1. Chapter 1

**SELFLESS **

**Disclaimer: I do not own xxxHolic. **

**Summary:** Why can't you understand that you're not the only one here keeping someone safe and trying so hard to keep that certain person alive? Why the hell can't you understand that there's someone too who would cry if you freaking die? Why must you offered yourself to danger every single time, ignoring the fact that I despise it? You're too selfless for your own good, Doumeki…

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(A 2-part story)**  
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**Part 1**

**(Unbeta'd)**

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What the fuck was wrong with _him_?

Watanuki was gnashing his teeth in so much fury.

He just doesn't get it.

He fucking doesn't get it.

And that fucking _asshole_ doesn't quite get it too.

What makes _him_ think that _he_, of all people, could do that, as if _he_ was just merely throwing a large bunch of toilet napkins in the toilet sink? What makes _him_ think that _he_ could actually be careless and insensitive and ignored Watanuki afterwards? What makes _him _think that he would actually be glad and thankful that _he_ actually endangered _himself_, did something that really pissed him off to no end and disregard _his_ own safety because of some stupid, unimportant, irrelevant, insignificant and petty thing?

The nerve!

Watanuki huffed, bringing his red kimono closer to his body. It was cold that night, and it will soon snow based on the chilly atmosphere. He gently massaged his throbbing head, expecting a heavy headache. He was more than pissed at the moment. He can't even explain why he was acting like that. Hell, he couldn't even explain why he felt like he was the sudden being beaten and where every passage of oxygen in his body was being blocked, making him choked and gagged. He was so afraid – trembling and terrified that _he_ might really die this time and he cannot bear the thought that it was all because of him – and yet he was unable to do anything.

Watanuki gritted his teeth and clenched his fist hard. A small trail of blood flowed into his mouth. He was trembling again, not because of the cold, but because of the sudden realization that _he_ could have really died right there, for real – in front of him. Watanuki slumped at the wooden floor and buried his head into his right hand. He must stop the trembling of his body at least. The black manjuu would be here at any moment and Watanuki sure as hell doesn't want him to find him at this vulnerable state. He tried to stand up and while gathering his thoughts but he just merely stagger, still thinking that nagging thought that was slowly eating his heart away…

_He could really have died… _

That pompous man, Doumeki Shizuka.

Watanuki fell again at the floor, unable to move at all, while faintly sobbing. Water came rushing into his eyes flowing into his paled and reddened cheeks. Tears have made their way out to his not aging soul.

That night, after years of Yuuko's disappearance, Watanuki Kimihiro cried again.

Doumeki could have died and it's all because of him.

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XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

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Shizuka woke up feeling a little bit incoherent. He felt like he was floating. His body was so light yet his head felt like it was getting hammered and rocks were being thrown at it. In short, he was not really feeling well. Far from that, that's for sure.

He tried to lift his body from the soft bed and groaned when he realize that he couldn't move his body at all. He slumped back from his original position and looked at the very familiar ceiling above him while trying to remember what exactly happened that caused him this kind of pain. He winced again when he felt that his hands twitched, feeling like a thousand shards of glass was being pinned at it. He was a little bit surprised that both of his hands were carefully bandaged as well as the other parts of his body.

What exactly… happened…?

He closed his eyes and let his mind wander.

He remembered going to supermarket earlier than he used to because he heard Watanuki said that he want to cook Yakitori for dinner while he was talking to Kohane last week, that's why he went earlier to get fresh chicken meat. He was planning to make Watanuki cook Yakitori this evening and drink sake with him while getting his weekly report on how Watanuki was doing for these past few days. His work wasn't exactly safe and Shizuka doubt that the young man is getting enough rest every day. Watanuki tend to be unaware of his own welfare when it comes to helping other people he doesn't even know – be it a human or a yokai. The bespectacled man was painfully selfless and careless, though he wouldn't admit that to Shizuka or anyone. He grimaced in annoyance when he remembered that particular customer who disguised herself as an old woman and tricked the young shop owner to gave the half of his life away for her wish that that idiot would actually – gladly – do if Shizuka had not stepped out and shoot her with his bow, ripping the woman's enchantment. Watanuki was hardly in one piece after that. He was huffing frantically, eyes were diluted and his entire body was cold. That made Shizuka trembled with so much protectiveness, howling inside him like an unchained beast.

He already knew that his protectiveness of Kimihiro was not even normal, yet he couldn't find the exact words to describe what exactly he was feeling towards the pale man.

All he knows is that he must keep Watanuki safe at all times.

And that he loves his cooking and his scowling face very much.

It makes Shizuka feel that Watanuki was still the same boy he knew in middle school; the same boy who would shout at him for every feeble reason possible and that he was still like him, Kohane and Kunogi –human.

Even though Watanuki stopped aging years ago.

He was the first friend he ever had and their friendship was something he couldn't bear to lose.

Shizuka opened his eyes and stare at the ceiling again, his thoughts were full of the seer's different face. There was a face of his, smiling. There was also a face where Kimihiro was shocked and when he was blue because he caught a cold. The other one was scowling, like the one he was _fond_ of showing to the archer whenever they were talking, angry or not.

Shizuka chuckled inwardly. That was his favorite.

And then his crying face.

Shizuka stared at the ceiling with his placidly half-lidded eyes.

He didn't exactly saw it but he saw it in his mind. And it was enough to break Shizuka's heart.

It was when Yuuko disappeared and Watanuki stopped aging.

He tried to avert his thoughts to the reason why was he bedridden right now. He couldn't stand the pain that suddenly flicked to his soul upon remembering the seer's crying countenance. He won't make him cry. He promised to himself that Kimihiro won't cry as long as he's with him. He shook his heavy head and concentrate in remembering what exactly happened to him.

After going to the market, he went straight to Watanuki's shop without knocking the door. He was a bit surprised (though it didn't show to his face) that the two girls didn't welcome him. Well, it's not as if the 'welcome' part really did matter. He was here for the food… and Watanuki.

"Ojamashimasu…" He said anyway after he took off his shoes.

Then he felt it again.

That appalling aura tampering with the shop's natural exorcism ability making it difficult to breathe inside, even for Shizuka. The archer's eyes widened when he remembered a certain person he was about to visit today.

"Watanuki!"

He dropped all the plastic bags on his hands and ran immediately towards the main door.

He heard a whimpering voice inside.

Shizuka gritted his teeth. _Watanuki…_

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_**TBC**_

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xxx~Sneak Peak~xxx

**Part 2 Summary: **Why can't you understand that I'm willing to die and kill for you? Why must you always stop me whenever I'm trying to fulfill my desire to take care of you? Why can't you understand that there is someone out there that actually cared for you? Why can't you understand that I don't need a world without you on it? You're too selfish, Watanuki…


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** I do not own xxxHolic nor its characters.

**Summary: **Why can't you understand that I'm willing to die and kill for you? Why must you always stop me whenever I'm trying to fulfill my desire to take care of you? Why can't you understand that there is someone out there that actually cared for you? Why can't you understand that I don't need a world without you on it? You're too selfish, Watanuki…

**BuzzBug82,** this is for you! Thanks for the very nice review! :)

I hope you will also love the part 2. ^_^

Unbeta'd.

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~xXxXxXxXxXxXxX~

Watanuki was fading away.

That's what Shizuka saw when he entered the main room where the seer was usually hanging out. Everything in the room was a mess, a sign that the shop keeper fought his way and tried to keep himself alive. Shizuka scanned the room and he saw a big slob-like apparition near the seer, shredding its tentacles one after another. The severed tentacles were now carefully wrapping the pale body of Watanuki whilst sucking the seer's energy dry. Shizuka felt himself trembled with so much animosity towards the creature and his usual stoic face engulfed in an enrage fury. This was no normal entity, that Shizuka knows. He can almost see the black spiritual energy that it was emitting and that was never been a good sign to the archer. He wasn't supposed to see those kinds of things. He can repel, yes. But he could never see it and seeing it now wasn't very good either. He immediately held an indiscernible bow and an arrow, aiming at the apparition in front of him. He nervously eyed the seer and he felt a chill run down his spine when he saw that he was fading a little too quickly for his liking. The archer shot his arrow right away while clenching his teeth, still wary of Watanuki's welfare. The divine arrow flew instantaneously aiming at the enemy. Shizuka almost held his breath waiting for the arrow to hit the creature. He felt nauseous all of a sudden, feeling the strong miasma that the apparition was dangerously emitting, earning him a slightly confused state of mind. Didn't Yuuko once said that his mere presence was already enough to draw those creatures away from Watanuki? That's why the former shop keeper always tried to pair him up to his prickly subordinate.

The same thing with Kunogi.

The arrow hit the apparition – Shizuka eyed it warily and wait for the effect. Then it happened. The arrow, after making its forceful way to the creature, only passed through its body, like it was nothing. The archer, eyes widened, clenched his teeth more and shot again. Nothing happened. The creature only continued absorbing the seer's energy making Watanuki almost painfully translucent now…

Shizuka gripped the invisible bow on his hand while watching the seer slowly fade away. He have to do something… Anything.

He have to save Watanuki.

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~xXxXxXxXxXxXxXx~

Watanuki knows that he's fading away.

Of course he knows it. There was no way in this twisted world that he wouldn't know about that. He was in fact the one who agreed to this stupid 'deal' without knowing first the real intention of the customer. It turned out that the kind and gentle customer was a loathsome and abhorrent creature that had its eye on Watanuki since the 'right eye' incident where Watanuki's right eye got stole by the spider woman. If he could, he would sigh now.

_Yeah… That woman. _

He almost snickered at the thought. He whimpered silently as feel that the numbness was now flowing on his brain making it impossible to think coherently now. He smiled despite himself knowing that the twin and Mokona were fully protected inside a powerful barrier he set a while ago, camouflaging their spiritual energies.

_Aww… It's hurts…_

He was going to die here.

He closed his eyes and think of many things that he would like to do after the curse was over. He will roam the streets and he will go to the new places that he didn't have the chance to see when he was trapped inside the shop. He will eat ice creams and he will go new shops at the town. Everything he didn't have the chance to do when he was inside the Yuuko's store.

_Yuuko…_

It turned out that he couldn't keep his promise to the woman any more. He promised that he'll wait, that he'll wait… but he will break his promise. He remembered the happy days inside the shop with everyone. Mokona, Maru and Moro, Yuuko…

And that deadpan snarker.

Again, if only Watanuki could smirk, he would gladly do so.

_*Ano baka…_

That stupid idiot helped him in so many ways after what happened 5 years ago… He really stayed beside Watanuki and became a regular headache of the seer. He felt an undeniable warm feeling inside him when he thought about the things that the archer did for him and for the shop. It fact that Doumeki seemed to detest his decision five years ago was never a secret. In fact, his usual stoic façade held an over flowing rage when he told the archer about his decision of inheriting the shop and waiting for Yuuko for God knows until when, though Doumeki just remained silent throughout their small talk. He was expecting him to ask questions and to inquire about the unbelievable condition but he didn't even open his mouth. It was sealed during Watanuki talks.

He wouldn't age, but he certainly will die – that was what Watanuki said to Doumeki.

He didn't notice at that time how Doumeki froze at his seat when Watanuki told the archer about the condition – nor the sudden burst of the archer's heartbeat from his chest. Watanuki never had the chance to know that Doumeki, the stoic, indifferent Doumeki, was having a problem steadying his fists from his sides when all he wanted to do was to smash anything that he could reach with his hands. Or how to keep his jaw from breaking his teeth from so much trembling.

Watanuki never had the chance to know.

Time had already stopped for the seer. Though Watanuki wasn't regretting anything he had done nor the decisions had he made for these last five years. He would still, if he would be given another chance of survival after this, to wait for Yuuko inside the shop, granting wishes of people that have the audacity to pay what was the equal payment of their wish. He would continue living under his wrecked time, looking forward into something that seems to be the incarnate of nothingness. A never-ending search over something that this world might already have lost. Something that not even the most powerful magician in the world could bring back. A bond that was already gone yet continues to hurt the other person on the other end who had the string, tugging and pulling every nerve of his emotions, leaving him battered and at the same time broken emotionally.

And he would still continue to cook for the sorry idiot who blindly stayed beside him, watching the world exist with him with two different periods that would never, ever meet again.

Watanuki would always, always be just a pigment of Doumeki's past and Doumeki will always be a future that Watanuki will never, ever see.

They're just like that – poles that _fate_ will never allow to meet.

_*A-ano baka… Honto ni… baka na… hah… _

But he's thankful after all the unreasonable and petty arguments that they had that this so called_ fate_ allowed Watanuki to know Doumeki – yesterday and today. A small drop of tear unconsciously lingered on his now translucent right eye – the very eye that he was still sharing with Doumeki. He gulped the almost nonexistent air around him, trying to hold on with his thoughts, refusing to close his mind.

He still wanted to… at least… think things over.

Is there's any way that he could return this eye to Doumeki? Watanuki will absolutely feel bad bringing something precious with him that he just borrowed from the archer… If… If there's a way to return _this_ to Doumeki, the he would gladly do so. He had been already a huge burden to him… Watanuki doesn't at least want Doumeki to think that he was truly an ungrateful jerk who not only took his precious time away but also the half of his right eyesight.

_That… would be… utterly dergrading… Nee, Yuuko... san… I don't… want to owe... that idiot anything… anyway…_

He doesn't want Doumeki to think that he's an unappreciative fellow…

"_THEN COME BACK HERE, YOU AHOU!"_

Watanuki burst his tired eyes open.

That voice…

"_COME BACK HERE AND I WILL NOT THINK OF YOU AS A LOW, UNGRATEFUL, UNAPPRECIATIVE FELLOW WHO DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING BUT TO THRASH AND FLAIL."_

That voice… Tears are not madly threatening him to flow on his cheeks.

_Stu…pid… Do..u..me…k-ki…_

"_COME BACK HERE, WATANUKI."_

The idiot wants him to come back. That was beyond comical. But there was something warm that suddenly enveloped his whole body, soothing him to move from the painful numbness.

"_COME BACK HERE, WATANUKI… I WANT YOU TO COOK YAKITORI AS A PAYMENT FORTHIS. SO COME BACK AHOU."_

The seer smiled faintly at himself. That stupid archer…

_You… stupid… jerk… All you know… was to eat… Glutton…_

"_I DON'T CARE… JUST… JUST COME BACK HERE, WATANUKI KIMIHIRO…"_

_What a guy… _Watanuki smiled and extend his arms to a blinding light in front of him.

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**Author's Note:**

(Please pardon the grammar lapses...)

*That idiot.

*That idiot… really an idiot…

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Okay. I lied. This will be a three-part story (only if you want me to continue… but this is pretty finish for me so, _maa.. ii…_)

For those many people who alerted this fic but didn't review… ouch… you guys really broke my heart… sniff… sniff…

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**Doumeki: **Hnn.

**ME and Watanuki:** 'Hnn' jane!


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Nah. **

**Summary:** Somewhere down the road, you had become someone with absolute importance to me. Now, will you stop asking?

**Author's Notes: **Thanks for the reviews! Thanks a lot… This chapter is dedicated to those people who reviewed this humble fic of mine.

**UBETAed.** Please pardon the distorted grammar.

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xXx

_"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer."_

— **Rainer Maria Rilke**

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_There was this stray cat I had been watching for almost one month now. _

_Its fur was gray and it had so many visible scars that marred its lithe body. I first saw it at the vicinity of the school, idly walking on the nearby wall where white jasmines were cheerfully blooming. It was so small and I almost wondered if it was still a kitten. I had seen many cats before and this cat was the smallest one I had ever laid my eyes on. _

_I was nonchalantly staring at it from the window of the classroom where I happened to be sitting at the back of the room near the window, following its slow but sure steps when I suddenly saw its head turned and stared at my direction. _

_It stared back at me I blinked a few times trying to discern what I am actually seeing. I don't know but, I got this feeling that the gray cat was scrutinizing me that time._

_The cat's dark blue eyes were directly staring at my eyes. _

_And then suddenly, I had heard something spoke clearly on my head; '__**You're alone. Just like me.'**_

_The cat's lingering sight on me slowly faded as it resume to its walking down the school wall leaving me dumbfounded and downright spooked. Something stirred inside of me and suddenly the classroom became so cold. I was pathetically trembling on my own – __**'You're alone. Just like me' **__– and breathing became so painfully hard._

_That's the last time I've ever seen that cat. I was always looking for it whenever I had the chance and if I had no school duties at hand I will always – always – looked for that gray cat that had me wondering if… if there was really someone up there who was listening to me. Because you see, like that stray cat I had often see wondering down that river, I, too, was utterly and undeniably alone. _

Ragged breathing. Watanuki was having hard time breathing. Doumeki immediately rose to his seat and kneeled down the bed where the seer was lying. He woke up not long ago and found the bespectacled man lying at the floor. He was still hurting all over but he didn't think twice when he scooped the young man and deposit him to the room where he first woke up. Doumeki was dead tired but Watanuki was the one whose energy was sucked up dry.

The archer clenched his fist as he remembered what happened after he found out that his bow weren't exactly working on the blasted entity that's slowly killing Watanuki in front of him. He tried to release his inner centre where his life energy was flowing uncontrollably. Doumeki's were known to be powerful containers of spiritual powers and his body was one great example of that. He can use that power anyway he wants but with one heavy price; using his life energy directly means ripping his soul into millions of tiny pieces – that will eventually kill him.

Out of sheer desperation to save Watanuki, Doumeki hurriedly released his centre, not minding the deadly fact that it will eventually take his own life away while continually staring at the pale body of Watanuki inside the blob coated with spiritual barrier, praying for anyone – ANYONE – who's listening out there to let this thing work and save the annoying but sweet Kimihiro from the clutches of danger. Doumeki knew, absolutely knew and aware that he wouldn't be able to forgive himself if something happen to the seer. That's why he had to do something – anything at all – to see the young man glare and flail on him again.

There were just so many things Doumeki wishes he had told him.

_Come back here, Kimihiro._ He felt his bond in Watanuki flared up, seeking its way out and finding him.

Blue.

Watanuki's life energy was as blue as the distant sky.

_Come back here._

The almost invisible thread of their bond seeped through the blob-like creature's shell.

_Watanuki Kimihiro. _Doumeki gritted his teeth as he felt a grinding force down on his body. He had to help him.

"Kimihiro!"

The thread suddenly burst out of the creature's body.

Doumeki was now panting heavily.

Then he heard it – or rather, felt it.

**Is there's any way that he could return this eye to Doumeki? Watanuki will absolutely feel bad bringing something precious with him that he just borrowed from the archer… If… If there's a way to return **_**this**_** to Doumeki, the he would gladly do so. He had been already a huge burden to him… Watanuki doesn't at least want Doumeki to think that he was truly an ungrateful jerk who not only took his precious time away but also the half of his right eyesight.**

_**That… would be… utterly dergrading… Nee, Yuuko... san… I don't… want to owe... that idiot anything… anyway…**_

**He doesn't want Doumeki to think that he's an unappreciative fellow…**

Doumeki trembled. Something inside him swelled in happiness, joy and so much longing and the archer found himself smiling oddly at the situation at hand.

Doumeki smiled, his eyelids lowered halfway.

Never.

Yes. He would never regret this.

"Then come back here, you ahou!"

Doumeki watched as the seer's body moved inside the blob-like creature.

_That's right. Come back here, Kimihiro._

"Come back here and I will not think of you as a low, ungrateful, unappreciative fellow who doesn't know anything but to thrash and flail."

Doumeki faintly smiled again when he saw the seer's eyes fluttered slowly.

"Come back here, Watanuki."

_I still have so many things to tell you Kimihiro. So many things… You would listen to me, right?_

"Come back here, Watanuki… I want you to cook Yakitori as a payment for this. So, come back, ahou."

_You belong here… beside me…_

_**You… stupid… jerk… All you know… was to eat… Glutton…**_

The archer grinned.

"I don't care… Just… just come back here," _I need you… _"Watanuki Kimihiro…" _I badly need you…_

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"W-why…"

Doumeki snapped at his thoughts and focused on the now sweating seer. He gently patted the black smooth hair and he again fell at staring on Watanuki's flushed face. He was murmuring something…

"W-why…?"

Doumeki crossed the distance of their face.

"W-why are y-you… always… there… f-for m-me…?"

Doumeki felt something on his chest heaved. He swallowed and stared directly at the still asleep (or was he even awake?) Watanuki now gripping his two fingers when he tried to brush some strands of his Watanuki's hair on his face.

"W-why… Dou…meki?"

The archer rested his forehead gently on the small hands clutching his fingers.

He gently whispered as he kissed the smooth, pale hands. "Somewhere down the road, you had become someone with absolute importance to me. Now, will you stop asking?" He closed his eyes.

Watanuki's finger's tightened on him.

"Y-you're… anno…ying, do you… know that…?" The seer said as fell again on a deep slumber.

Doumeki just smiled. "You're not alone, Kimihiro. You're not alone."

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xXx

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Would like another chapter? ^_^


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